The Emotional Jug
a spiritual practice for conflict
I don’t like conflict. Few people do. If you actually like conflict, I would be a little scared of you. Yet despite the disruption that conflict brings, it is baked into the human experiment… and it holds one of our greatest human opportunities for new insight into ourselves and our partner. By personality, we have different ways of responding. The most common approaches are withdrawal, acquiescence, or aggression… all of which are self-protective and generally ineffective. But that’s a conversation for another day.
Today I’d like to discuss arguably the most practical tool for engaging conflict in a respectful and constructive way. The most common application is between life partners… but it can be used in most any relational context with modifications. Developed by the PAIRS Foundation, Emptying the Emotional Jug is an exercise in personal reflection and articulation on behalf of the Speaker, matched by open, undefended presence on behalf of the Listener. Every mindful relational practice is also a vital spiritual practice.
the foundations
Here are the basic ideas involved.
Focus on yourself. When it’s your turn to speak, look honestly into the emotional content of your heart and share with vulnerability rather than accusation. Use “I” statements. When you need to reference the other person’s behavior, frame it this way, “When you say this… or when you do that… I feel this way.” This is a practice in intimate disclosure of your heart.
Be fully present. When it’s your turn to listen, be emotionally receptive to enter into the other person’s inner world with curiosity and empathy rather than judgment. Do not be preparing your defense or explaining away the other person’s feelings in your own head.
Engage physically. Sit across from one another and face each other. If this is your life partner, holding hands can reinforce your posture of loving commitment to one another.
I recommend allowing at least 30 minutes for this practice without interruptions or distractions.
the practice
The Listener will ask a series of four questions to the Speaker: What are you mad about? What are you sad about? What are you scared about? What are you glad about? It looks like this…
“What are you mad (or angry) about?” The Speaker shares as many things as arise in the heart.
When the Speaker stops talking and pauses, the Listener responds, “Thank you. What else are you mad about?” Again, the Speaker shares whatever else rises to their attention.
This cycle continues until the Speaker says, “There’s nothing else I’m mad about.” But before moving on, the Listener asks one final and crucial question, “If you were mad about anything else, what would it be?” Sometimes the most important discoveries come at the end.
Then you repeat this same process with each of the remaining questions. Even at the end of the practice, the Listener does not attempt to explain or respond to any of what was shared. On the other hand, it is often helpful to trade places and the Listener becomes the Speaker—again, not using this forum to respond to the first session but to honestly disclose their heart around these four important feelings.
When the practice is over, take a minute or two in silence to honor your partner and the sacred space between you.