Defaults.
Don’t underestimate the value of Doing Nothing, of just going along, listening to all the things you can’t hear, and not bothering.
~ Winnie the Pooh
lent, 3 - shedding our stress defaults
Most of us are pretty good at showing our best side… until we’re put under pressure.
I had one of those situations this week. I had ordered a new refrigerator for my inlaws at an amazing price that Kellie had found. But I made a rookie mistake and didn’t measure the space, and when it was delivered, sure enough, it was too wide. I felt so stupid… but felt even worse when I found out that, because it came from an outlet, they wouldn’t take it back.
Each of us has our default coping mechanisms—strategies we learned early on for making ourselves feel capable in a crisis. There are three most common ones we might call competency, optimism, and expression. Referencing the Enneagram, Types 1, 3, and 5 default to competency under stress: “I can fix this!” Types 7, 9, and 2 default to optimism: “It’s not that bad!” And Types 4, 6, and 8 default to emotional expression: “What the hell is going on?!”
As a Type 6 myself, I’m great at articulating my feelings of frustration and shame, often amplifying my disruption internally and externally. It’s not pretty. If I could trade my default for either one of the others, I would do it in a heartbeat… but as I explored in the three posts I linked above from several years ago, each coping mechanism has its virtue and its vice, and only maturity and conscious work can help us leverage the virtue element. Alas, when I realized my mistake with the fridge, I did not leverage the virtue!
Which brings us to our theme of “Shedding” this Lent.
Why do I react to stress this way? That’s an interesting question, but doesn’t solve the problem. A more helpful question is this one: When I’m embarrassed or have failed in some way, what other options are available to me? What other possible responses could I take that might serve me better in this situation? And the answer is simple—competency and optimism may not be my default, but they are absolutely available to me!
So what is it we might shed this Lent? We might shed our unconscious, unexamined default behaviors. We might pause for a split second between the activating anxiety and our automated response… to take a breath… to feel the Ground under our feet… to remind ourselves that God’s “divine power has given us everything we need” (2 Pet 1:3). And then, from a non-anxious presence, pick up the right tool for the moment. How does that sound?
The season of Lent invites us to off-load the dead weight of old, broken patterns that we still tend to lug along with us. In this six weeks of honest reflection and prayerful inquiry, we can actually discern what is and what is not serving us well and leading us to life. And then, we can receive the grace to change, to shed, and to live more freely and lightly. When we do this, God is honored and our souls come alive! So heck, let’s do it.
growing your soul
Think back to the last stressful moment you had and, without judgment, observe how your instinctive default showed up. Now imagine what that situation could have looked like with a more spacious, more grounded response. Which of these three common mechanisms might have served you better?
serving our world
Now imagine a close relationship in your life—someone you have the freedom to “coach.” What might it look like to catch them in the act of a default reaction and invite them to pause and receive another more effective tool for the moment? Kellie did that for me this week, and I am grateful.
takeaway
Pause. Breathe. Choose.