Fathering.
Your Father knows what you need before you ask him.
~ Jesus
Being a father is easy. Being a good father is not.
I think that all of us, no matter how excellent our fathers are/were, wind up disappointed at some level with what we experienced from them as a son or daughter. Truth is, no human parent can give us everything we legitimately want and need, but it’s usually not until we are adults that we can name the unmet hopes in some degree… and that’s the good fathers. Fathers who are absent or abusive leave a much more obvious hole in our souls.
And then it’s our turn to be a parent, and we find out that we too fall short. We generate sins of commission and omission, much to our disappointment and theirs. This is the human condition, yet it’s not as bleak as it sounds.
The goal as fathers and mothers isn’t to be perfect, it is simply to be intentional with our initiatives and humble with our limitations. It is to try and to succeed, to try and to fail, to learn from our mistakes (and our parents’) and to begin again. As our children become teenagers, the door opens to actually talk about this process with them and demonstrate the character qualities we want to instill in them: intent, planning, presence, joy, and repentance… in equal portions. This is the divinely redemptive invitation to fathers everywhere.
And it’s never too late to up our game! Here are a few markers to consider as you seek to incarnate and mirror the fathering of God:
To See. This is the essential starting point, and if you don’t get this right, you won’t progress very far. Good fathers pay close attention to the souls of their kids, without projecting or over-protecting or over-correcting. They learn to “read” their children, not just through the filter of their parental desires but for the actual content and shape of their young heart. Without accurate seeing, the rest of these steps become skewed and vaguely manipulative.
To Delight. This is the natural overflow of the deep knowing in step one. Good fathers recognize the divine fingerprints of their children and mirror God’s own delight in their beauty, a delight unmarred by the inevitable selfishness and willfulness also present. In fact, true fathering recognizes the necessary and formational undercurrents of a child’s bad behavior and seeks to channel that in gracious, redemptive directions rather than attempting to break their will.
To Impart. As good fathers see and delight in the raw potential of their children, they look for teachable moments to transfer the best of their own passion, ability, and giftedness to them… in the ways and forms that fit the child. To try to replicate yourself or impose purpose and direction is the opposite of impartation, as is neglect. But you carry your own graces and life experiences that will grant your child a generous head start when conveyed with care.
To Believe. The next step in the sequence of good fathering is to carry a deep-seated, pervasive, and resilient optimism that your child is—and will continue to become—a magnificent human being, bringing their unique, irreplaceable gifts into the world to shape and improve it. This belief must then be conveyed to the child (and to others in their presence) in the form of encouragement and approval.
To Empower. Finally, good fathers use everything in their power to fuel their child’s progress on their journey. Whether it’s council (when appropriate), connections (when appropriate), or cash (when appropriate), you do everything in your power to help them succeed, internally and externally.
If you see gaps in your role as a father or in the fathering you received, don’t be disheartened. Rather, resolve to consciously attend to these skills, seizing spontaneous opportunities as they arrive and creating others proactively. And, if you dare, ask your children (teenage or older) what they need most from you. Listen without judgment or defensiveness and look for authentic ways to move that direction.
By the way, even though we are talking about fathering on Father’s Day, we all need exactly the same five experiences from our mothers. They just do these things a little differently… and the results feed our souls a little differently. But essentially. In the same way that we need the rich presence of God as Father, we also need God as Mother—mediated through these human vessels as well as unmediated through mystical practice.
growing your soul
Which of these five parenting strategies would be most timely for you to lean into, recognizing that it will likely be different for different children?
serving our world
Sometimes we also get the chance to “father” or “mother” young people who are not our biological children. When that door opens, step in. The need is more than any one person can meet.
takeaway
See. Delight. Impart. Believe. Empower.