Grieving.
Whether or not it manifests in clinically acute ways…the belief that a person is bad, untrustworthy, and broken at their core is one of the most destructive things a person can be told or can come to believe. In many faith communities and belief systems, this idea of being unworthy is so reinforced that it does not register as foundationally destructive or a feature of psychological abuse. Telling people they are broken at the core is a sure way to create people who feel broken at their core. Feeling bad, wrong, or fractured at the core of who we are is a defining feature of spiritual trauma.
~ Hillary McBride, Holy Hurt
I love to write uplifting messages that call to the deep waters of our hearts and inspire us toward our truest selves. Sometimes, though, happy posts feel tone-deaf to the genuine griefs of our individual lives and the larger world. In times like these, naming our sorrows helps us sense into our collective humanity and bolster our communal courage and resiliency. In short, words of acknowledgment, solidarity, and hope help heal us.
The span of our sorrows feels broad these days—from grieving the pointless wars of our broken world… to grieving the governmental chaos in Washington… to grieving our economy, our social fragmentation, and our own private sorrows. Illness, career anxiety, relationship failures. Most of us feel the pressure and are looking for fresh strength of heart. If ever we have needed a Good Shepherd, now is the time.
So what does it look like to grieve well? Maybe it’s helpful to reflect upon the Kübler-Ross stages of grief…
Denial. This is not a stage you want to stay in long-term since it is a departure from reality, but for brief periods it functions as a legitimate protection for the traumatized soul. If you’re in this space, give yourself some grace and then look for the exit ramp.
Anger. Also a necessary step is identifying what is wrong or unjust or damaging so that we can be motivated toward crucial change. This stage is also toxic over the long run if you get stuck here. But when this is where you are, find healthy ways and safe spaces to express your anger while not allowing the anger to metastasize into bitterness.
Bargaining. Although this may be the least effective stage, it is very human. It’s a reversion to a primal, superstitious view of God (or whatever represents God) in the hopes of finagling some kind of deal to ease the pain of loss. It offers a pretense of control—which may in itself be temporarily necessary—but ultimately futile.
Depression. Depression gets a bad rap, but in the context of grief, it is an appropriate response to great loss. My encouragement is to “feel the feels,” lean into community, don’t isolate, get all kinds of professional support, and find a thread of hope to sustain you through the darkness.
Acceptance. I think acceptance is often misunderstood as well. This is not resignation nor fatalism; it is integration. It is realization and conscious engagement with the full spectrum of the human journey, owning both your sorrows and your joys as the context for transformation into your True Self.
The conversation about grief also prompts us to understand that many if not most of us unknowingly grapple with actual trauma experiences, whether it be from our families of origin, from oppressive work environments, from military service, from faith communities, or a number of other sources. Symptoms include the grief stages above… plus overwhelm, over-reactions, hyper-vigilance, dissociation, worthlessness, self-medication, numbness, etc. These symptoms get embedded in our actual DNA, but they can also be healed.
Many traditional Christians avoid trauma language and think that saying the right prayer or meditating on the right Bible verse will bring instant cure. Much more commonly, we have to do the actual work of healing over time, with expertise and in community. Trauma involves layers of grief, compounded by injury, and spiritual trauma is perhaps the worst of all: When someone who is supposed to be in a position to protect and nurture you, a position that represents God to you, those betrayals (intentional or not) go deep indeed.
Whatever your griefs, know that you are not alone. We are with you. God is with you. Hopefully others too. Please find the resources for your healing, and let us know if we can help!
finding our way home
Grief and trauma tell us that we have no home. That we are homeless—spiritually, emotionally, relationally. But your deepest heart knows that you do indeed have a place of belonging and belovedness. We are all finding our way back to this sacred place, so let’s do it together.
takeaway
Be patient with your journey… and don’t stop.